Update: Another car accident today. I love my life

Got pulled over last night for a passenger tail light out. Lisence plate was in my windsheild. (Stupid NJ, has to be on front of car, but I have to bumper to attach) I had to registration card.

Got in a minor accident today. Got hit from behind by a lady who was hit from behind. Car #3 sped off as soon as he started the whole mess. Glad my neck/back is finally feeling better.

Almost left work in the middle of the work day. No one listens to a damn thing I say, and when I'm the only one who knows what the hell to do 95% of the time, they need to listen. Underage asshole that works at the store stole a pack of smokes, and the assistant manager on duty refused to do anything due to whatever situation those two have.

Yeah, overall, I feel pretty shitty right now.

Okay, so I'm gonna rant for a little bit here. Work has absolutely sucked the past few days, and as the school year starts, there's no hope of it getting better. And when I'm pissed off at work, I get pissed off about other things, and I get obsessed with getting an answer, so maybe someone has some insight.

I smoke.

I thought I'd get that out in the open first, since the whole rant thing revolves around it. Yes, I am a smoker. Yes, it's disgusting, and I'm fully aware of that. Yes, I plan on quitting as soon as I'm able to. (I've tried multiple times, and stress levels kept me from winning) However, every day, time and time again, I hear girls talking about how they would never date a smoker. How they wouldn't never even CONSIDER dating a smoker. And then that gets me thinking about how much my smoking has been hindering my (lack of) love life. And then I figured out this in my mind.

Smoking > Assholes. Smoking > Abuse. Smoking > Cheating.

Now granted, my perspective is not worldly, but it seems to me that the women I've come across in my life would rather date a non-smoker, even if that means that he's an egotistical jock, mentally abusive, or is doing it for the sex. And it really pisses me the fuck off. I mean, hell, I would wager that 95% of guys that smoke would quit in a second if they really had a reason to. (Not counting health, obviously) For the right job, the right girl, the right life, cigarettes would mean nothing in the end. And yet, we're passed up as dirty trash, not even worthy to hang out with. And all the while, when us smokers are out, we're entirely self-concious, trying to make sure that the addiction is as little involved in the activity as possible.

Am I wrong? What's the deal?

Just hit another spell of down. Came out of absolutely nowhere, I was relaxed, and just listening to music, not a care in the world. Now, I'm sitting here, tight in the chest, wishing to be someone else.

I hate this.

So I'm sitting here, as I start righting this, listening to (of all things) techno. Now, I'm not a techno kind of guy. I don't rave, I can't dance, and I tend to need deep introspective (to the point, as some would say, whiney) lyrics to appease my musical palatte. I dunno though, I guess I'm in a mood where I don't want to hear the usual stuff. A change of pace, throwing myself a curveball. It's only for the next few minutes anyway.

I start school in a week and a half, which is still weird to say. Don't get me wrong, I'm psyched as hell to be going back to school, and while thinking on it earlier in the day, I might even be able to graduate and have a real teaching job by the next election day, when I will obviously be throwing a party. I don't really think I'm overloading with classes, cause while 16 credits may be a bit much, considering my track record of the last two years of school coupled with the year I've been away, I figured that it's community college. Classes are supposed to be a bit easier and what not, so I can handle 5 classes (even on top of the 24+ hours of week spent at work).

But what's really pissing me off at the moment is the inability to sell back this textbook. I bought a calculus book at the beginning of the summer because I was going to take Calculus III as a summer course. Well, things fell through and I was never able to take the class, but I still had the book. I went to the bookstore the other day on the offchance that the school was still using the edition that I had purchased, and they def are. However, when I returned with the book, I was fed some line like "We've already bought back enough, we're not taking any more." What the hell! I was gonna use that money to purchace my C++ book and make it all just a little bit easier on my wallet, but it seems like that's not gonna happen.

One last bit of news, this time on the good side of things: I found out today that I apparantly have stock and funds out in my name (that I had no idea were out there), which more than likely total over $8,000. This means I can finally get that laptop I've been dying to get, and take the remaining huge load of cash and put it away, savings account, CD, retirement, play etrader, something that will be good for the future. I know mom will bitch when I tell her I'm buying a laptop, but screw it, it's time for me to get what I actually need for a change.


Good night all.

(And now, back to the music I should be listening to)

Sing me something soft
Sad and delicate
Or loud and out of key
Sing me anything









You would kill for this.

So, tomorrow is her last day of work, and I'm still all clammy and such. I really hate being so apprehansive and panicky when it comes to things like this. Hell, maybe that's why I've been since for the last 2 and a half years. Ugh, can I just sleep for two weeks until she's back north and I don't have to think every single minute about not saying a thing?

The rest of the day was boring and sucked. That's really it for today.

Tomorrow is dreadful.

So I'm finally back online. My DSL modem decided that it wanted to up and quit on me, and it took forever to get it working again. It makes me realize just how much of a slave to the internet I really am.

Been pretty busy lately, trying to get everything under control. I'm finally registered for 4 classes for the fall semester, though I really would like to change things around. I need to take a computer science class, and while all three classes are open with plenty of seats available, they're all at the most inconvenient times that mess up the current work schedule I have planned starting in September. I also want to take Statistics, but there's only two sections, and they've both been closed for weeks. One day soon I need to stop over at the school bookstore and get textbooks, probably just one or two since I don't think I have the current funds to get all of them.

What's really been bothing me the most lately is the fact that all of my co-workers are going back to school this week. (Tomorrow and Thursday are most of their last days.) I've always felt left out among them, seeing how much like a close group of friends we are at work, and ALL of them hang out together outside of work on an almost daily basis. Except, of course, for me. And I don't know if that's a problem of my own, I'm not outreaching enough, but I don't want to invite myself anywhere, that's not the kind of person I am. But then I get to wonder if maybe I'm just not good enough, too boring out in the real world. I have a bad habit of deprecating myself, stemming from my self-inflicted idea that I'm not good enough. I really try and hide it from everyone, and only let it attack me in moments like this when I'm alone.

Worst of it all is, I really have this crush on one of the girls at work. I have a tremendous fear of being rejected (even though one would thing I'm rather used to it by now), so I never said anything because of that. Now though, with the semester coming back up, I really really want to, but that little bug in my mind is telling me, even if she WOULD be interested in someone like me, that it's too late, because in two weeks she'll be 4 states away. This lonliness is absolutely driving me crazy, and crazy is not good.

So, LJ has been at the back of my mind lately. Too much going on with trying to get registered from classes (which wound up rather smashing), and working more than usual to cover up for the people who need off cuz, well, they actually have lives. So much on my mind, but too tired and a bit too drunk to go into it all right now. (Yes, I know, I still have excellend grammar when drunk, it's like a curse) More updates tomorrow.

Today was rather uneventful. Work, as expected, was both boring and annoying. I did have a good stretch of about an hour where I think I worked out all of the kinks into getting me enrolled back into college, but unfortually it tagged on a very inconvenient trip to Delaware at the end. Oh well, I guess I'll have to fit that into tomorrow's busy schedule of the gym, BCC to submit application and paymet plan forms, salon for some much needed TLC, and probably a million other things I can't recall at the moment.

And to keep my mind off things, I needed something completely useless and stupid to ease me out a bit. You may hate them, I know I do, but here's a survey anyway. (Run and hide!)

( she laughs at my dreams, but i dream about her laughter )

And the day is over. As I expected, the trip to BCC was a total failure. The place was packed with people, apparantly all for registration of classes and what not. So me, being the fool I am (but not the only fool, apparantly), get's in line behind all the other people. After about 20 minutes, I finally get to the front, only to find out I had to speak to someone who was standing at another part of the desk. Ugh. So I go over there, let him know that I wanted to sit down with someone and go over a couple things, and he tells me it's gonna be two hours until I can be seen, as I'd be the last appointment of the day. I sigh, as I usually do, and took a seat, deciding that I could use the time to look over the classes that I need to take, when and where they're offered, and all of the other exciting stuff available to me. So I do that for about an hour before pre-mentioned guy came up to me to tell me that I can't be found in their database. "Well duh, I'm not a student yet." To which I'm informed that I wasted an hour and a half of my life, because us current non-ctudents have to talk to someone else. And all I get is a phone number. Upon which calling I find out I have to leave a message and wait until Tuesday (hopefully). Double ugh. All I want to do is go back to school! People make it so damn hard sometimes.

And that's all my excitement of the day. Working 1-9 with Paul tomorrow. Meh, I hate that condecending bitch. But Mike's back on Wednesday, even if for just a week before his surgery, so some rejoycing must be had.

Okay, time for me to be a huge dork. And admit my dirty secret. As a wrestling fan (gasp, shock, shame), I found out that Chris Chavis will be on Raw tonight.

Otherwise known as Tatanka.

I'm like a giddy little schoolgirl at the moment. Don't mind me.

Okay, so, feeling a bit nervous tonight, the anxiety is wanting to kick in full swing here. See, tomorrow is the day that I go to school and sit down and talk about getting back to college. And given all my trauma, is scares the jeebus out of me. I know I have to, because I need to live my life, not wonder if I'm gonna have enough money to make it to the next paycheck. My job, family, car, everything is driving me crazy, and I guess maybe I'm half expecting something to go wrong with this too. (Which, you know, since tuition is apparantly due on TUESDAY, there could be a slight problem in my future.)

But hey, on a positive note, I got to play golf today for 20 bucks. I reafrrimed that I still suck, but it's nice to just get out of the world for a few hours and only have to worry about yelling at the damn trees that get in my way. The boys came over for a bit, had tyo convince them to not order a movie from On Demand, cuz I don't want to have to pay for it when the bill comes around. And my room is a fucking mess. I've been so OCD lately, and yet I've been too apathetic to care about my dirty clothes. Meh.

Oh, and my new shirt is so kickass. I have to share it.

( bunny lovin' )

Went to King of Prussia mall today with Karen and had a kickass time. And lemme say, that mall is HUGE! Like, if I wasn't paying attention so closely, I absolutely would have gotten lost. But I got some cool stuff that I needed/wanted. A new messenger bag for school (since I'm going back and all), a shirt and towel from urbanoutfitters, and a nice Irish soccer hat from BangBang. All in all, great trip, I needed a day like that.

The boys left, party still going on across the street. And as usual, not tired at all. This insomnia thing definately needs to be kicked to the curb come September.